Here it is, Hounds: the post you never knew you needed. I’ve sorted popular dog breeds into Hogwarts houses using extremely scientific, objective methods. Some might surprise you, but I’ve taken this task of sorting very seriously, and the results are in. And yes, I’m positive that labs belong in Hufflepuff.

Labrador Retriever, Hufflepuff

Those who are sorted into Hufflepuff are loyal, trustworthy, friendly and clever. Often underestimated, Hufflepuffs can certainly hold their own, both in brains and in brawn. Like their house emblem, the badger, Labrador Retrievers are usually gentle unless provoked and have fun proving themselves when it is asked of them. Labs also belong in Hufflepuff house because of their allegiance to their masters and their generally happy demeanor. It takes a dark and neglectful past to make a Hufflepuff go bad, and the worst we see throughout the Harry Potter series is the rude and pigheaded Zacharias Smith. While the occasional Lab could behave poorly like Zacharias, they tend to be far more caring and selfless, much like the heroic Cedric Diggory. That is why, my friends, this beloved breed belongs to the badger. I bet you thought the Labs were going to Gryffindor, didn’t you? Didn’t you???

German Shepherd, Gryffindor

Full of the Harry Potter series’ most famous characters, including the Chosen One himself, Gryffindor has produced many brave and chivalrous wizards and witches. Like Harry Potter, who basically saved the wizarding world, German Shepherds are extremely heroic dogs with friendly demeanors. Like Labs, German Shepherds are very loyal, but it is their unique bravery that lands them in Gryffindor. Take Noah, for instance, who took a bullet to save his family. Other notable German Shepherds include Lucca the Military Dog, Jynx the Police Dog, and hundreds of K9 service members throughout the United States.

Standard Poodle, Ravenclaw

Often considered one of the smartest breed of dogs in the world, the Standard Poodle is most certainly a Ravenclaw. With their outstanding wit and unparalleled intelligence, Ravenclaws make for eccentric characters who are very often ridiculed for their whimsical behavior and sometimes awkward strut. Luna Lovegood, anyone? Poke fun if you must, but Poodles are whip-smart and often learn commands faster than most other breeds. Additionally, Poodles are proud dogs who are unapologetic in their behavior.

Pitbull, Slytherin

Let me say up front: I’ve sorted the most misunderstood breed of dog in the real world into the most misunderstood house in the wizarding world. Pitbulls are NOT Slytherins because they are evil, but because they simply get a bad rap. In fact, some of the wizards most loyal to Dumbledore came out of Slytherin house, including Horace Slughorn and Regulus Black. What might surprise a lot of people, myself included, is the fact that Merlin himself (as in, “Merlin’s beard, Harry!”) was a Slytherin. Like the house’s emblem, the snake, Pitbulls are strong, powerful and have the potential to be amazing pets, when given the right treatment. Remember, dogs, like people, are not born evil. They simply become one or the other given the set of circumstances they are dealt. Before you discount the Pitbull, or the Slytherins, know this: “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.”

Jack Russell Terrier, Gryffindor

Of course, since we know that Ron’s Patronus is a Jack Russell Terrier, it is obvious where this breed belongs. Like Ron, the Jack Russell is loving, energetic, loyal and playful. Additionally, the Jack Russell has origins as a great hunting dog; an activity that takes a great deal of bravery for a little dog, no? While Jack Russells certainly have the ability to be very smart, it is easy for them to get distracted by their abundance of energy and their interests in other things, like fun. (Fred and George are Gryffindors, too, you’ll recall.) Jack Russells are obedient and fearless, loving and protective. In other words, a very apt Patronus for a very famous Gryffindor.

Corgi, Hufflepuff

Doesn’t the Corgi just seem like the Hufflepuff of dogs? Perhaps because their short, stout statures (say that three times fast) remind me of the Hufflepuff head of house, Professor Sprout. In any case, it turns out that Hufflepuff house is an apt choice for the Corgi. Corgis are definitely intelligent dogs, but their major draw is their alertness, which allows them to remain calm and quiet until threatened, rather than having to be constantly at attention. Not unlike the badger, I might add. A herding breed, Corgis are mother hens who care deeply about their people and who are always looking out for their own. They’re also little fluff balls and are so cute they would absolutely be the worst Death Eaters EVER.

French Bulldog, Slytherin

Before you launch into your defense of the French Bulldog, remember what I said about Slytherins being misunderstood. If Draco Malfoy were a dog, I have no doubt he’d be a Frenchie. Eager to please their masters and full of energy, Frenchies have an irresistible charm and cunningly good looks. They also have an insatiable appetite for adventure. Frenchies have an intense curiosity that isn’t easily quenched, but are completely receptive to training. Also known as: M A L F O Y.

Border Collie, Ravenclaw

Let me get two things out of the way immediately: Hermione Granger should’ve been a Ravenclaw. Phew, there, I said it. I understand the reasons why J.K. Rowling placed the brilliant Ms. Granger in Gryffindor, I do, but I will forever be upset that Hermione doesn’t belong to my house. Next, if Hermione Granger were a canine, she’d be a Border Collie. Equipped with astounding intelligence, enviable work ethic, and a fierceness of heart, Border Collies are true Ravenclaws.

Doberman Pinscher/Miniature Pinscher, Slytherin

Dobermans are extremely fearless dogs with a keen sense of their surroundings. Extremely trainable and alert, this breed makes a great watchdog. Is it any surprise that they are Slytherins? With their thirst for adventure and their protective instinct, Dobermans will stop at nothing to keep their family safe. Slytherins march to their own beat, but they are extremely well-respected in the wizarding world. The desire to provide guardianship over their own is something Slytherins and Doberman Pinschers have in common. And, if we’re being honest, doesn’t that lean, sleek Doberman body have something a little serpentine about it?

Papillon, Ravenclaw

The smartest of the toy dog breeds, the Papillon is known for its happy demeanor and trainability. Not to mention those ears! (But that’s neither here nor there.) Papillons are active, elegant and intelligent, and move with an amazing sense of grace. In other words, Papillons, like Ravenclaws, make even the hardest tasks look easy. Like Ravenclaws at O.W.L. time, Papillons are sensitive to stressful situations and can become overwhelmed. However, when skills are mastered, this breed excels.

Golden Retriever, Gryffindor

While the Golden Retriever could, in some cases, be sorted into Ravenclaw, it seems that Gryffindor is the most apt of the four houses for this popular breed. Friendly and devoted to its master, the Golden Retriever will make an excellent companion for his or her family and will never choose another home once they’ve settled into their own. One could see Neville Longbottom as a large, goofy Golden Retriever. AND, in case you didn’t notice, Neville was, hands down, the most loyal of the Gryffindors to Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Australian Shepherd, Hufflepuff

One of the world’s coziest dogs certainly belongs in Hogwarts’ coziest common room. That is, the perpetually-sunny, extremely plush room full of overstuffed sofas and chairs that belongs to Hufflepuff house. This is an Aussie’s personality in a sentence. Additionally, the loving personality of an Aussie evokes the natural warmness of the house’s founder, Helga Hufflepuff; while its intelligence and subtle but strong loyalty resemble the same characteristics found in Harry’s friend and devoted Order member, Nymphadora Tonks.

As you can see, this was a very scientific, not-at-all subjective sorting of popular dog breeds. If you didn’t see your breed, don’t worry! There will be more installments of Hairy Potter, we promise. And remember…all dogs have unique personalities and character traits that could land them in any of the four Hogwarts houses (or even in one of the fancy new American houses introduced this year). If you think your breed belongs somewhere else, tell us why on Facebook!